November 8, 2008

Being True To Ourselves

Over a month ago I took a job working in Salt Lake as a Sales Consultant. I was excited for various reasons. I purchased new clothes, shined my shoes, dusted off my laptop and stepped into a whole new class. Oh, did it feel liberating- Being at home full time, doing the daily grind- one may some times feel taken for granted. At work people recognize and reward hard work. Stephen and I would now share household duties and errands, involvement and responsibility with the kids would be divided more equally between Stephen and myself. I had it all worked out.

I was on the run. In a sense I knew by immersing myself into a satisfying job I would be able to dodge the heart ache and void I was feeling from the girls leaving to go to Kenya soon and the nagging pain I feel by splitting parent time with Chandler's father. From the time I was a little girl in pig tails I dreamt about being a "Mom" I didn't dream of being a career woman of any type. I would twirl about singing this dreamy song...

When I grow up I want to be a mother and have a family. One little, two, little three little babies of my own. And I will cuddle them when things go wrong and give them cookies with milk and yellow balloons.

I may not have the lyrics right and remember the whole song now, but the idea of the song created such a fantasy in my girlish mind. And now as a grown woman I find that I am grasping for the vision I created long a go.

Many years ago when Stephen and I married I made a promise to Alexis, Chandler and Olivia. A promise to ease the insecurity of the children's worries that come from divorce. I promised them that family would always come first. Olivia, who is most verbal in expressing her words reminded me of this, like a sting to my heart I could not deny that indeed, these were my words I had spoke with meaningful truth. Stephen was unhappy with the idea of me being out of the home, but when I heard it from my children, how could I take back my promise?

I came home from the grocery store today and had purchased a turkey for our Sunday dinner. The children are usually very kind to help put away groceries. Stephen asked Chandler to put the turkey out in the garage, sounds strange but is a great place to cold store a turkey this time of the year. Chandler's remarks "oh, so you want me to put the turkey in our food storage?" Presently we keep all our food storage out in the garage. It was pretty darn funny. Chandler- is still enjoying his BMX, it moves to a indoor track during the winter and he is really looking forward to the snow, getting out on his Dad's new invention the "snow bike." Also, this week Chandler's parent/teacher conference took place and it comes as no surprise that he had a very outstanding report. I really liked his poem about "Chandler Bear" a nick name I gave Chandler when he was a infant. There is a story behind this nick name.

Olivia- has been diagnosed with celiac disease, so it has been a very interesting to try and watch every label. It is going to take much more thought in meal planning and take a little getting use to the change. She had friends over for dinner tonight and one of her favorite meals is spaghetti, when you have celiac pasta is off the menu. We have quickly come to discover there are plenty of grocery stores and health food stores that carry great gluten free breads, pastas, treats, cereals and much more so this life change doesn't have to be to much of a challenge.

Alexis- Started basketball skills at Open Court and really has great ambition for the sport. We played ball a few months ago as a family and Alexis had a buried talent hidden, just waiting to be discovered. Alexis is also mastering her math skills. She challenges me most every day with her intelligence-

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